From the Mailbag, Part Deux

Dear Culotte,

A girl with the name Slutskaya (her surname) is currently in second in figure skating at the Olympics . Is god trying to tell us something?

Saucy

PS. Not that I watch figure skating. Not that I dream of wearing those outfits.

Dear Saucy,

I confess that I haven’t been keeping up with the Olympics, in particular, figure skating. The misuse of the Bedazzler confuses and baffles me. I start to cry at the outrageous handling of nylon and feathers. So I don’t watch.

However, I did giggle at the last name Slutskaya. That is unfortunate. But in high school I knew a girl with the last name “Mycock,” which in my opinion, is just as bad. Who knows, maybe Slutskaya means something really cool in her native language.

But, my Saucy friend, I think that maybe God is trying to tell us something. I can’t really say for sure. I can only offer you nuggets of wisdom– if I may quote the illustrious Joan Osbourne: “What if God was one of us? Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home…” Poignant, is it not?

Keep thinking, mon ami.

Love,

Culotte

PS- Your desire to wear those outfits frightens me. I can see you in a nice hunter green silk. Stay away from the sequins!

From the Mail Bag

So this one is a leftover from the Clean Plate Club, but I don’t want to leave this poor soul hanging:

One of my friends told me about several girls from my high school getting boob jobs. Apparently, I’m the last to find out about this but I thought only “actresses” and women going a mid-life crisis go to visit Mister Nip/Tuck. Has this been going on for a while and I’ve been to naive to notice? Is there always a return on your boob investment? These chicks are dropping a minimum of $5000 bucks on this. Do they realize how many times they could eat at Ana’s Taqueria with that cash? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the boobs but I’m also a cheap ass. Please provide me with some wisdom on this difficult subject.

confused,
Saucy in Melrose

p.s. I’m curious on what other readers say about this topic. The nation as a whole should address this issue.

Dear Ted Saucy,

I understand your concern. $5,000 is a lot of tacos!

I also recently learned that a family member, who shall remain nameless, acquired a new pair of bajongas last month. While at first I was totally curious, then my heart went out to her. Because for me, (just my opinion here, folks), to go through with a cosmetic surgery, I would have to be feeling really bad about myself. So it concerned me that this family member didn’t think she was good looking without a set of $7,000 honkers. And trust me, she is HOT. But unfortunately, I can’t look at her anymore without looking first at Cheech and Chong.

And frankly, I’d rather spend the money on tacos. Quesadillas, really. You dig?

Love,

Culotte